My dear boys,
I’m sorry I’m failing you.
Every day I wake up determined to be a better mama to each of you.
A mama who is more patient.
One who is on top of your needs.
One who doesn’t raise her voice or get upset that you are asking something of me, again, even though I’m stretched thin (and your dad is sitting right there).
As I lay down at night and thoughts run through my mind, I keep circling back to the same feeling. The feeling that today I wasn’t successful at being the mom you deserve.
I am asking so much of you.
At 6, 2, and 1 years old, you aren’t able to process what is happening. This experience is shaping you, and I am not equipped to guide you through it.
I don’t know how to be a full-time mom while working my full-time job and teaching you all the things you would normally be learning in daycare or at school – especially the life lessons you’d be learning alongside your peers.
I don’t know how to process what is happening, and I certainly don’t know what to expect from myself, and yet, I expect so much of you.
Be quiet I tell my little 2 year old, as though 2 year olds are capable of ever truly being quiet (unless they are getting into mischief).
Stop whining I tell my 1 year old, who is teething, and growing, and learning to walk, and needs the comfort of his mama.
Prends ton temps I tell my 6 year old, who only has 2 speeds: fast and faster with a zest for life that is unparalleled to anyone I’ve ever met.
Jouer ensemble sans chamailler! I beg of you boys, who have been only each others playmates for over 45 days (and counting). You are each vying for some 1:1 attention and craving time with your peers.
And so my patience wears thin as I try to get my work done, do a load of laundry, wash the dishes, sweep the floor, read a book out-loud to you boys, plan dinner, walk the dog, have a cup of tea, and referee playtime (the last thing we need is a trip to emerg!).
But oh, my dear boys…
Thank you for giving me every opportunity to try again.
Thank you for showering me with love and laughter, and for reminding me that every moment can be the right moment for a dance party.
And that taking a break to sit on the swing in the backyard or to kick a soccer ball around is the best kind of break because we are in the moment together.
Thank you for showing me compassion and love during this difficult time for everyone.
Thank you for reminding me of my 2020 Word of the Year : Focus. Because where focus goes, energy flows.
Today was a good day, and tomorrow will be too.
Je vous aime gros comme le ciel mes petits cocos.
If you are also feeling overwhelmed and think you need some support, please consider reaching out to The Kick-Ass Mom Academy, run by my friend Chelsea. She specializes in helping working moms kick-ass at all they do.