Momming in a pandemic

I have nothing especially poignant to write about.

Like many others, I’ve struggled some days more than others.

I tried to remind myself in the hard moments how lucky I am. I have family near by who is able to help us out a tremendous amount. My husband and I are both working. My kids are doing alright, and for the most part they ground me.

But boy… Momming in a pandemic is something else, isn’t it?

I’ve felt this weight on my shoulders for a week or so.

I tried to ignore it. It was still ther.e

I tried to lighten it. It felt heavier.

I tried commiseration with friends and family. That helped me to feel less alone…but it didn’t really help me feel better when I realized that they are also carrying a weight on their shoulders – they, too, are trying to balance their load while they stay upright.

I’m tired but I can’t sleep. When I do sleep, it’s restless.

I am constantly questioning every choice, wondering after each one if I made the right choice. Questioning and second guessing. Again and again.

Social media updates on my feed show me friends’ kids going back to school. Parents back at work. The images leave me feeling like I’m missing out on something. We are keeping our kids home. I’m working from home. Studying from home.

When I became a mama, instead of losing my sense of self, I felt more certain of it. This pandemic has taken that away and replaced it with questions.

The pandemic didn’t help me become more organized around the house, even though I watched The Home Edit on Netflix. My house didn’t get a floor to ceiling clean, even though I follow @GoCleanCo on instagram. It didn’t give me time to pick up a new hobby, even though the memes on Facebook suggested now, more than ever, was the time!

The pandemic has given me more time to think about planning, organizing, and really, just reminding me to remember every little thing that needs remembering. That mental load is real.

There is worry about my children falling behind in fundamental skills. After-all, I always relied on daycare to teach my kids how to eat yogurt and soup! It was the ECEs who taught my sons how to “flip” their jackets to get ready to go play outside…And now I worry that socially my kids will miss out on important phases and stages because they don’t see others their own age to help correct some behaviour (or encourage others).

I’m still wondering what school will look like for Robert this year – we’re still waiting to hear what the plan is to enhance and support his learning.

Those worries and questions… that weight. It’s always there.

It’s a lot.

So, I have nothing especially poignant to write about today. Maybe I’m stuck wondering about purpose. Maybe I’m just tired.

Or… Maybe.. Just maybe… this is exactly what every mom out there is feeling right now, too.

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